Figured I'd get some things off my chest.

So there has been a LOT of crap going on in my life recently, and since I can count the number of friends who actually give a damn about me on one hand, I figured my blog would be a good place to vent instead of bogging down the few people who still care to know how I am with my baggage. I don't know if anyone will actually care to read this, but I'm gunna vent anyway.

So first of all, I am going crazy in Campbell River. If I'm not working (which is often lately), I'm usually just sitting around the house watching tv or reading. Lately I've taken to lurking ebay and buying things. I've been working a lot on my cosplays, which is a good thing, but I focus on them so much because it's pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane right now. Yeah, I've got a couple people to hang out with. I love hanging out with Mandie, but she's got a baby and a husband and her own life to worry about. I can't expect her to flit around town with me when I'm bored. I can't expect her to just turn off her life because I don't have one anymore. I've been so incredibly lonely and it's been getting worse with each passing month. I really really appreciate the times I get to hang out with Mandie, even if we just sit around and talk.

It wouldn't be nearly as bad if some of my so-called friends actually gave a shit. There are a couple people who only ever talk to me when they have a problem they want to bitch about, and frankly, I don't have the patience to deal with their trivial stuff at the moment. They never bother to ask what's going on in my life, or give ME a shoulder to cry on, so why should I return the favor? But apparently that just gets you shunned, because now they make no effort at all to talk to me. At least this has shown me who my true friends are. It just sucks that I seem to have lost a "best friend" in the process. I guess some people are just so wrapped up in their own self-induced melodramatic lives that they can't stop for two seconds to recognize a friend in need, even when they make it obvious they need a friend.

Then there's the work issue. Yeah, I got a job and it pays well, but since I'm a casual I'm only on call. I had tons of work during my training, but now I'm getting no work at all. I really want to be saving to move to Vancouver, but I can't do that off of my EI payments. My mom says I'm wasting my money every time I buy a wig or something for a cosplay, or every time I make a trip to see one of the friends who do still give a crap about me, but what else am I supposed to do? There is nothing for me here. She doesn't understand that. She doesn't understand that I have totally different interests, most of which can't be fulfilled in this red-neck, closed-minded town. I need to do something to keep me sane.

And if that wasn't enough already, I've been having a lot of issues with my brother. We used to talk all the time and be close, and he'd come to me for advice and let me know when he had good news. But there's been a lot of stuff going on and now it's like I'm a stranger. I don't know what the hell happened, but it really upsets me. He didn't even call me on my birthday until my dad messaged him and reminded him to.

It doesn't help that I tried to hard to be friends with his wife and accept her as my family. I lived with them for a while and I thought it was fine. I had fun hanging out watching movies with her, and staying up late chatting, going to the bar, and all that kind of stuff. I felt like I had made another friend in town, and not only was she a friend, but she was becoming a sister as well. But apparently I was wrong. Apparently my living there was nothing short of a nuisance. And even though I've helped them out with their wedding, looked after their cat, and looked after Austin every time they asked (not that I minded), I've apparently done nothing for them. Obviously I'm just an easy person to blame for a lot of the drama that's been going on with them, and I'm sick of being a scapegoat. I haven't done ANYTHING to deserve the way I've been treated by both of them, and I've been deeply hurt by it. What makes it worse is if I make a big issue out of it, it could hinder the already little time I get to spend with Austin. I love Austin more than anything, and I don't want to risk losing the chance to be in my nephew's life because his parents are still so immature in so many ways. So I'm really stuck. What the hell am I supposed to do?

On top of that, it seems that illness and disease is plaguing my family. My dad found out a few months ago that he has lung cancer, and he went in and got radiation done and everything, and it seemed to be helping, but he's been having some issues lately. He has advancing COPD in addition to the cancer, and it seemed to be getting worse. But I've just found out recently that he's been having more issues and the doctors think it might be more cancer, so now he has to go in for a bone, head, and esophagus scan. It's been hard enough dealing with the lung cancer, but if it's spread who knows what will happen. I am absolutely terrified that something bad might happen, and I feel so guilty because I can't really afford to go visit often. It's even worse because my grandma on my dad's side is sick too. She really hasn't been doing well lately, and apparently the doctors are concerned that she has skin cancer because she has a sore on her face that isn't getting better. I mean, she is getting up there in age, but it still really sucks to hear that she is suffering. And apparently her memory is getting bad too. I really wish I could visit often, but it's just so expensive.

And a couple months ago my grandpa on my mom's side went into the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. It turned out that his lung cavity was filling with fluid, so they had to put a tube in and drain it. After a few weeks of testing, they found out that he has lung cancer too. I mean, both my grandparents are getting up there in age, but it's still really upsetting for me, especially because they have such terrible illnesses. And now I feel like I don't have enough time with either of them.

So yeah. Basically I've been dealing with a lot, and I've been increasingly down. I've actually been thinking about talking to a doctor, because I'm worried that I may be developing real depression. I've been getting these really bad migraines, and I'm always feeling tired because I have so much trouble sleeping at night. I've also been eating less. If my mom didn't make dinner every night, I probably would go days without eating anything but the occasional grilled cheese and some yogurt. I've also been super irritable and get annoyed really easily, and feeling like I'm totally worthless.

I looked up signs of depression online, and all of these things fit. There were other signs that I don't have, but I think even having a few of them is worth looking into. I don't want to develop depression and not get it dealt with until it gets bad. I mean, I don't want to assume anything, but since I've been increasingly sad lately I think it's definitely a possibility. And really, wouldn't that just be the icing on my already super crappy year.

Sick of coming in last

I feel like total, worthless trash lately. Like nobody really gives a fuck about me or my feelings. I mean, for starters, hardly any of my friends have talked to me at all since I moved, and the people who did talk to me have stopped. Just because I moved doesn't mean I've died or something. I'm still around and I need my friends more than ever right now. I've been having such a hard time and I've had hardly anyone to talk to. The only person who talks to me regularly is Dave. Well, and Amber when she gets the chance to be online. But really? Just two people? How sad is that?? Is it really so hard to message me on Facebook and ask me how I am? Or to start a convo on MSN, when I sit online pretty much all day? Or even to actually TALK to me when I try to contact you first?

Apparently for most of my friends, it is. I feel totally shunned and isolated and they don't seem to give a fuck. Well gee. Thanks guys. I try hard to maintain my friendships. I try to talk to Amber, Alleah, Jo and Lee, and many other friends who I don't get to see often whenever I get the chance. Even if I don't get to hang out with them, I'll at least send them a message and ask how they're doing. Is it so much to ask that I get a little bit of love in return?? It's like nobody wants to actually be my friend unless it's convenient for them, and taking time out of their oh so busy schedules to check up on their lonely friend is just too much.

I've been so lonely and increasingly depressed, and even when I try to talk to some people about it I just get snubbed. So I'm at the point where I think, why should I bother? They obviously aren't interested, and they NEVER message me, so I might as well stop trying.

And now, the one person I thought I could talk to about everything, the one person I thought would always care about my feelings, seems to want to distance me like everyone else has. This one hurts the most. I can't even seem to straighten out my feelings on it and actually explain how it's hurting me, and every time I try I seem to make it worse....

You know... I'm really sick of guys. It seems that every guy I fall for turns out to be just as selfish and dishonest as the last. I'm sick of being lied to, I'm sick of broken promises, and I'm sick of being heartbroken. Why can't I find a guy who genuinely wants to make me happy? Someone who will love me and care about what I have to say, and actually keep his fucking promises? Someone who can't wait to talk to me every day, and actually wants to spend time with me? I don't need someone who is super gorgeous, or super smart, or super athletic, etc. All I want is a guy who is genuine, who will love me, and actually give a fuck about ME. Is that really so much to ask???

God... I'm just so sick of this. I don't even want to go meet new people, because I'm always the one who gets disappointed and shunned. I always seem to be the friend that people forget about, or the girl that guys get tired of after they make me fall for them. Well guess what people. I have feelings too, and it's fucking MEAN to play with them. If you don't want to be around me, then stop pretending. Let me know now so I'll stop wasting my time on people who don't really care about me.

You know what I can't understand? Why I always seem to fall for guys who are unavailable, uninterested, jerks, or who live too far away. I can't figure out what it is, but it sucks. I'm so tired of feeling sad and lonely. :(

Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhh....

I NEED to get laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid!!!! D:

I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do now. I'm miserable and lonely and I have no idea what I want to do. I know I want to go to Vancouver, but I don't know if I want to stick with theatre anymore. What else can I do though? I really don't want to go back to school.. I kind of suck at school. Plus I can't afford it, and I'm certainly not taking out another student loan. I just wish there was some way to snap my fingers and have everything magically fall into place. At least I got my EI trouble fixed, but I still miss my friends really bad, and I miss having a boyfriend; someone who is excited to talk to me everyday, and who makes me feel all happy and bubbly. I don't want to start dating here though because I DON'T want to get stuck in Campbell River, and if I start dating someone I may not want to leave. Ugh, I wish I could just fast forward to the summer.

I love you is eight letters. So is bullshit.

So, you didn't want to be with me because you didn't feel like you could be in a relationship right now. But you said you still love me, and you go on telling me how much you miss me for the past three months. I've missed you too. And I still love you. I mean, we were together for almost three years. You don't stop loving someone you've loved for three years after only a couple months, right?

Well apparently you got over me perfectly fine. After three years, you toss me away like a piece of garbage. You told me you didn't want a relationship. You promised to be honest with me when you WERE ready for one again, so I didn't have to find out over Facebook. Well you're a fucking liar. Did you really miss me, or did you just miss sex? I really want to be your friend, but I don't know if I can believe anything you say. You've got me doubting if you loved me at all; I mean, how else could you break up with me, saying you don't want a relationship, then go and find a new girlfriend so fast? I thought you weren't ready to date again??

Do you have ANY idea how much that hurts me? Or was that your intention? You've already broken my heart, do you really have to go and stomp on all the pieces just as I was starting to heal? Do you want me out of your life so bad?

You've made me feel like a complete piece of crap. Like I am totally un-special and un-lovable. You have shattered my confidence, and made me take a HUGE step backwards. At least now I know how you really feel. I hope she breaks your heart like you broke mine.

So this is it. Yesterday was my last day here in Nanaimo, with my friends, and with Terry. My family should be here soon to come get me and I'll be gone and I feel like everyone wants me gone. Not my friends of course, but the second I went upstairs this morning Heather was like, "who's coming to get you?" "When are they going to be here?" which totally made me feel like the subtext was "get the hell out of my house." Even Terry kind of seems to be eager for me to go... I think I keep depressing him. I've been trying not to cry around him, but it's really hard. I don't think he wants me gone, I just think he wants to start getting over this and me being around doesn't help at all. I dunno. Maybe I'm just crazy. I just feel really sad. I feel like I've taken a huge step back in my life. I'm moving back home, I'm unemployed, I'm single again.. My plan was to be married in the next few years, followed by kids. But where am I now? Back in square 1. It's really depressing. I have a feeling this Christmas is just gunna suck. I haven't really felt the 'holiday cheer' at all. BLAH.

SO here's the deal. Terry and I broke up Monday night. We have both been very unhappy with things in our lives, Terry especially due to whats going on with his dad and all. He is actually on antidepressants now. So he feels that he can't concentrate on having a good relationship while he is trying to make himself better. We've talked and talked since it happened, and I understand why he needs to do this. So I don't want anyone to be mad or hate him, because I don't. I still love him very much, and he loves me. We just need to give our relationship a break while we fix ourselves. And maybe in the future we will get back together. I dunno. But we still want to be a part of each others lives though, regardless of what happens now.
So I'm putting in my resignation today, and I'll be moving back to Campbell River around the 22nd to stay with my family for a bit. I'll be there for Christmas, I can learn to drive finally, I can be there when my brother's baby is born... I'm basically going to catch up on my own life and just chill for a while. I'm not sure what I'll be doing after, but I can promise that I'll have a lot more free time and will visit everyone often!
As heartbroken as I am, I want Terry to be happy and if this is what he needs to do, then I wont be mad at him for it. I'll be ok.

When life gives you lemons...

...Throw them back and ask for something better.


It's funny, I rarely post here anymore, and every time I do it's usually because I'm going through another bout of misery. But I suppose that's because I can spew all the crap I want to spew without actually having to spew it at someone. (I said spew to many times in that sentance...)

Anyway, here's a current update.

Life is kind of sucking right now. I am so sick of my job. I hate it so much I get angry just being there. It's like, the second I step through those doors I start hating everything and everyone around me. I'm finding it harder and harder to not snap at customers, or tell management where to shove the company. And every time I mention any of this to people, they say "at least you're not working at McDonalds for 8 bucks an hour." Do you know what, I'd RATHER work at McDonalds. Considering I've thought about throwing myself down the stairs at work 'accidentally on purpose' just so I wont have to be there, yeah. I think I'd rather work at McDicks.
The problem is, I'm totally stuck. The money I make is too good to just quit. And I have benefits. Now that I've had benefits it would be really hard not to have them. But what else can I do?? I completely fucked up my schooling and have accomplished nothing really. And the training I do have, I can't apply anywhere cuz I'm stuck in Buttfuck Nanaimo. And even if I were to find something decent in theatre, I could never do it because I always work nights at the fucking casino, and they would never give me the time off I need. They wouldn't even give my friend Cailean a week off to see his sick grandmother, I highly doubt they'd give me two months of nights off.
And I'm so SICK of asshole customers and rude people. I keep being told to brush it off and not be so sensitive, but that's who I am. I expect MANNERS from people and I'm not the kind of person who lets herself be pushed around by middle-aged assholes who are willingly throwing away their money and blaming me for it. The customers in there are APPALLING. It literally makes me shake in anger.
So if anyone knows of any jobs in Nananimo that pay at least 10 bucks an hour for 40 hours a week and has medical and dental coverage, PLEASE let me know.

On another note, I'm being driven crazy at home too. Although the two people who actually read my blog already know this, I'm living with Terry, his sister, and her boyfriend. Things are fine with Terry and I, but his sister is driving me NUTS! She parades around here like she owns the house and expects us to treat her like the boss or something. Everything has to be how Heather wants it. I'm so sick of feeling like I should be grateful to her, because she's letting me live in HER home. When really, it's TOTALLY the other way around. The only reason Terry and I are living with her in the first place is because she fucked up her life yet again and had nowhere else to go. I could have refused to help her (and if I had known this would happen, I would have.) But because I'm a good person, I put all my plans on hold and decided to live with Heather. She should be grateful to me and Terry for uprooting ourselves to help her out.
And this isn't the first time Terry has done it either. Heather totally uses him, then takes him for granted. Like now, she treats us like tenants instead of roommates. She has absolutely no concept on how to share a space with someone else and it drives me absolutely crazy!
Terry and I have talked about this a few times, but it's always the same.. he defends her and her opinions and I'm left feeling upset and attacked and I end up dropping the whole thing because I don't want to fight with him on top of everything else.
I've looked for my own apartment several times, and I have a feeling that if things don't change, I wont be here much longer. I just can't stand it anymore, and being so miserable at home AND work just isn't good for me. Heather's awful attitude is actually starting to affect my relationship with Terry and I refuse to let that happen. So I am seriously considering moving out, if for nothing but the health of my relationship. I hate putting him in the middle (although Heather has absolutely no problem doing it, apparently I'm too scary to talk to... *eyeroll*) and I think it would be better for everyone if I just didn't live in this house anymore.

I have to admit, I have considered just quitting my job and moving back to Campbell River for a few months just to.. re-stabilize. Then maybe I'd go to Vancouver, since all my friends seem to be migrating there anyway. And if I did go back to CR for a while, I could actually VISIT with friends again, instead of trying to squeeze in a quick coffee before work, and I could be there for when Mike's baby is born. I could actually SEE and SPEND TIME with my friends and family again. But I would miss Terry so much. I hardly get to see him as it is because of work, and if I lived two hours away it would be even less time we spent together. But I'm just so sick and tired of Nanaimo and all the bullshit I've put up with here. I feel trapped here and I just can't stand this damned city anymore. I have no idea what I should do, but I know I have to do SOMETHING or I'm going to keep on being miserable. Maybe I should just sell everything I own and move to Jamaica or something.

Because the sky is blue it makes me cry

I'm feeling very down lately. I think my new house is great, but I dunno. I seem to be less and less happy as the days go on. Obviously I had a blast at Anime Evolution, that was so much fun. But now that I'm home again I'm kind of back in my unhappiness. I just feel so lonely lately. I seem to be losing so many friends and I don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel like I've been spending so much time alone, and as much as I like to be alone, it's too much. Terry just tells me to forget about it. He doesn't get that friends are important to me I guess. He doesn't understand how I'm feeling at all lately. I'm feeling very isolated everywhere I go, even at home. Nobody seems to appriciate me or anything I do, and everything I do isn't good enough. And now on top of all that I feel like I'M not good enough, like I'm too fat, too childish, and too lazy. I don't feel good about myself at all and it's put me in this lethargic, moody bubble that I don't know how to get out of. Why do I always get treated like a child?? How come nobody appriciates me? I honestly can't understand.